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Have you ever noticed how much energy we spend trying to be better? Better at our jobs, better partners, better parents, better friends, better versions of ourselves. We want to look good, make the right decisions, say the right things, and avoid making mistakes. And when something goes wrong, we can spend hours, sometimes days, replaying it in our minds, wondering what we could have done differently.
We call it having high standards. We call it ambition, responsibility, or wanting to do our best. And sometimes that's exactly what it is. But I wonder how often there's something else hiding underneath all this striving. Something much more personal.
The belief that if we could just get everything right, we would finally be good enough. Worthy of love, approval, and acceptance.
And that's where perfectionism becomes particularly interesting. Because underneath our desire to be perfect, there is often a very human desire to be loved.
When Being Good Enough Becomes a Moving Target
Clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen describes unhealthy perfectionism as the confusion between our worth and our performance. In a fascinating interview with the Harvard Gazette, she explains how we can end up believing that our achievements will earn us the love and acceptance we crave, when what they may actually earn us is admiration. And admiration and acceptance are two very different things.
And when you think about it, many of us learned this very early in life. We were praised for getting good grades, behaving well, being helpful, winning competitions, or making our parents proud. We learned which behaviours brought approval and which brought criticism or disappointment.
Of course, there's nothing wrong with encouraging children to do well. But somewhere along the way, we may have started confusing being good at something with being good enough as a person.
And so we carry that belief into adulthood. We work harder. We try to please everyone. We become afraid of disappointing people. We compare ourselves with others and constantly look for ways to improve. And whenever we reach a goal, there's another one waiting. The perfect body. The perfect relationship. The perfect career. The perfect home. The perfect life.
It's exhausting, isn't it?
Because when our sense of worth depends on meeting certain standards, the finish line keeps moving.
The Good Girl Syndrome
I think this is particularly relevant for women, many of whom grew up learning that being a "good girl" meant being agreeable, considerate, polite, helpful, and putting other people's needs before their own.
Don't make a fuss. Don't upset anyone. Be nice. Smile. Be understanding. Say thank you.
And somewhere along the way, we may have learned that being loved means being easy to love. So we say yes when we want to say no. We avoid difficult conversations. We worry about what people will think. We try to anticipate everyone's needs and sometimes feel guilty when we choose ourselves.
We become so good at being who we think others want us to be that we may lose touch with who we really are.
And here's something worth considering: If people love the version of ourselves that we've carefully created to please them, do we actually feel loved for who we are?
Perhaps this is one of the reasons perfectionism can feel so lonely. We may receive admiration, praise, and recognition. But if we're constantly hiding our imperfections, we never fully experience what it means to be accepted as we are.
In fact, research examining perfectionism and social disconnection has suggested that feelings of disconnection can play an important role in the relationship between perfectionism and depressive symptoms.
After all, how can we feel truly accepted when we're afraid to show the parts of ourselves we believe are unacceptable?
The Fear of Getting It Wrong
Perfectionism also has an interesting relationship with fear. Fear of failure. Fear of criticism. Fear of rejection. Fear of disappointing others. And sometimes, simply the fear of looking foolish.
Have you ever delayed doing something because you weren't sure you could do it well enough? Perhaps you wanted to start a business, write a book, change careers, have an important conversation, or try something completely new. But you kept waiting. Until you had more knowledge. More experience. More confidence. More certainty. Until you were ready.
I know this one very well. And I've come to realise how easily our desire to do something well can become an excuse for avoiding the discomfort of doing something imperfectly.
The irony is that we often learn the most from the things that don't go according to plan.
Think about a child learning to walk. They fall, get up, fall again, and keep going. They don't sit on the floor questioning their worth because they haven't mastered walking yet. Somewhere along the way, we adults seem to have forgotten that making mistakes is a perfectly natural part of being alive.
And perhaps we could make life a little easier for ourselves if we remembered that.
The Freedom of Being Imperfect
I've recently had an interesting reminder that perfectionism can show up in ways we don't always recognise. Sometimes it isn't about trying to do everything perfectly. Sometimes it's about holding ourselves back, avoiding situations where we might make mistakes, be criticised, or feel judged.
A few years ago, I decided to challenge myself to do something that terrified me at the time: go live on Facebook every single day for 77 days. I wanted to overcome my fear of speaking on camera and sharing my thoughts publicly, so I decided to show up every day, regardless of how well I thought I was doing.
And I did. For 77 days, I went live, shared my thoughts, made mistakes, occasionally struggled to find the right words, and published the videos anyway. I also shared them on YouTube and Instagram, imperfections and all.
And I have to share one particularly funny incident from those 77 days. One evening, I'd gone out with friends, had a little too much to drink, and realised I still hadn't done my daily live video. Well, I'd made a promise to myself, so I decided to do it anyway. Drunk!
Needless to say, it wasn't exactly my finest performance. In fact, it was probably my worst! And when I later uploaded it to YouTube, someone actually gave it a thumbs down. 😂
I still laugh about it today. And the best part? I left it there, just like all the other videos. Because that was part of the whole experience. Some days I was better than others. Some days I struggled to find the right words. And on that particular day, well, let's just say I wasn't at my best!
But why should I have been? We're human. We have good days, bad days, and occasionally rather ridiculous ones. And being able to laugh at ourselves, accept our imperfections, and stop taking everything so seriously is incredibly liberating.
If you're curious, you can still watch my 77-Day Live Video Challenge on YouTube. Yes, even that video is still there! I'll let you find it and judge for yourself!
What was fascinating was how much I improved during those 77 days. Speaking became easier, I felt more comfortable in front of the camera, and I gradually stopped worrying so much about getting everything right. The very thing I'd been afraid of became something I could do with much greater ease.
And then, at some point after the challenge ended, I stopped.
It's interesting how that happens, isn't it? We overcome a fear, develop a new ability, become comfortable with something, and then, when we stop doing it regularly, the old hesitation can slowly return.
I think confidence is a little like a muscle. The more we use it, the stronger it becomes. And just as with going to the gym, when we stop using it for a while, we may find that we need to build it up again. The good news is that we've already experienced what we're capable of.
I was reminded of this during my recent retreat in Japan with Ken Honda. During a personal coaching session, Ken told me that I was on a cruise ship and needed to get off it. His observation was that I was holding back from sharing myself and my work more openly with the world.
My initial reaction was, "But I do share! I write articles, publish videos, post on social media, and talk about my work."
But as we continued talking, I realised that he was challenging me to be more open in my everyday interactions, to share more of who I am and what I do when I meet people, rather than waiting for the perfect moment or the right opportunity.
And when I thought about it, I could recognise that familiar hesitation. What if people aren't interested? What if they judge me? What if I say something wrong?
There it was again. That old fear of not being good enough.
So, since coming back from Japan, I've started sharing short videos again, mostly as Instagram stories, without spending ages trying to make them perfect. English isn't my first language, so sometimes I struggle to find the right words, stumble over what I'm trying to say, or realise afterwards that I could have expressed something much better.
And I post them anyway.
In one of my recent videos, I even managed to put the captions so high that you could barely read them. I noticed it after publishing and thought, "Well, that's okay!" And I left it there.
And just the other day, I caught myself spending far too much time refining an email pitching myself for a literary interview. I kept adjusting sentences, reconsidering words, wondering whether I should add or remove something. Until eventually I said, "Okay, I sent it. No more perfectionism!"
And that was that.
These experiences have reminded me of something I already knew but occasionally forget: We don't have to wait until we feel confident to show up. Sometimes confidence comes from showing up, imperfectly, again and again.
And acceptance works in a similar way. Every time we allow ourselves to be seen without trying to control how others perceive us, we give ourselves a little more freedom.
Perfectionism: Our Attempt to Control the Uncontrollable
There's another aspect of perfectionism that I think deserves our attention. Our desire for control.
When we try to do everything perfectly, what are we really trying to control?
We're trying to control how other people see us. If we always say the right thing, make the right decisions, look our best, and never make mistakes, maybe nobody will criticise us, reject us, or think badly of us.
We're trying to control the outcome of our efforts. If we prepare enough, plan enough, and anticipate every possible problem, maybe everything will turn out exactly as we want. Or we're simply trying to protect ourselves from uncertainty, disappointment, and the uncomfortable feelings that come when life doesn't go according to plan.
And I think this is where perfectionism becomes particularly limiting. Because no matter how hard we try, we can never control everything. We can't control what other people think of us, how they behave, whether they approve of our choices, or how life unfolds.
We can do everything right and still experience disappointment. We can give our best to a relationship and still have it end. We can prepare thoroughly for an opportunity and still be rejected. We can make what seems like the perfect decision and discover later that things have changed. And the more we insist that life should follow our plans, the more frustrated and disappointed we become when it doesn't.
What if our need for perfection is really our resistance to uncertainty?
I find this particularly interesting because we often associate control with feeling safe. We believe that if we can control enough things, we'll be able to relax and enjoy life. But how much of our freedom are we sacrificing in our attempt to feel safe?
Real freedom comes from recognising what we can influence, accepting what we cannot control, and trusting ourselves to deal with whatever happens. And that requires something perfectionism struggles with.
Acceptance.
The Difference Between Excellence and Perfectionism
I think it's important to distinguish between wanting to do something well and needing to do it perfectly.
There's something wonderful about learning, growing, creating, and challenging ourselves. I love exploring new ideas, discovering what I'm capable of, and finding ways to become better at what I do. But there's a significant difference between pursuing excellence because we enjoy the process and pursuing perfection because we're afraid of what it would mean if we failed.
Excellence can come from curiosity, enthusiasm, and love. Perfectionism often comes from fear.
When we're motivated by curiosity, mistakes become opportunities to learn. When we're motivated by fear, mistakes become evidence that something is wrong with us. The same experience can feel completely different depending on the meaning we give it.
Research supports the importance of this distinction. A systematic review and meta-analysis exploring different dimensions of perfectionism found that perfectionistic concerns, such as fear of mistakes and negative self-evaluation, were more strongly associated with psychological distress than perfectionistic strivings. Perfectionistic strivings, on the other hand, showed smaller but still significant associations with several forms of distress.
And that, again, brings us to something I believe is at the heart of so much of our suffering.
Acceptance.
Acceptance: The Missing Piece
We spend so much of our lives resisting what is. We resist our mistakes, our limitations, our appearance, our emotions, our circumstances, and sometimes even our personalities. We look at ourselves and think, "I should be different. I should be further ahead. I should know better. I should have achieved more by now."
And then we try to fix ourselves. But what if there is nothing fundamentally wrong with us that needs fixing? What if we could accept ourselves exactly as we are today, with our strengths, weaknesses, talents, insecurities, successes, and mistakes?
I believe that acceptance is one of the greatest expressions of love, both towards ourselves and towards others.
And acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It doesn't mean giving up on our dreams, abandoning our ambitions, or deciding that we no longer want to grow. It means recognising and making peace with where we are right now.
We can accept our bodies and still want to become healthier. We can accept our current circumstances and still work towards creating something different. We can accept that we've made a mistake and still take responsibility for correcting it.
In fact, I believe that when we stop fighting ourselves, we have much more energy available to create the lives we actually want. Because growth can come from love rather than dissatisfaction. And imagine how different that would feel.
What If Love Didn't Have to Be Earned?
There's another aspect of perfectionism that I find fascinating. We often extend much more understanding and compassion to the people we love than we offer ourselves.
If a friend makes a mistake, we might reassure them that everyone makes mistakes. If someone we love is struggling, we might remind them of their strengths and encourage them to be patient with themselves. But when we're the ones making mistakes, the conversation in our heads can be very different.
"How could I be so stupid?" "I should have known better." "What will people think?" "I'm such a failure."
Would you speak to someone you love that way? And if the answer is no, why do we think it's acceptable to speak to ourselves like that?
There's also some interesting research on this. A 2023 study examining perfectionism, psychological distress, and self-compassion among young adults found that self-compassion played an important role in the relationship between perfectionism and psychological distress, suggesting that how we respond to our own shortcomings can make a meaningful difference to our emotional well-being.
Perhaps the most important relationship we will ever have is the one we have with ourselves. It's certainly the only relationship we will have throughout our entire lives. And yet we often make our own love and acceptance conditional.
I'll be happy with myself when I lose weight. When I earn more money. When I find a partner. When I become successful. When I finally get everything together.
But what happens when we reach those milestones? Very often, we simply create new conditions.
What if we stopped negotiating our worth? What if we allowed ourselves to be loved, starting with our own love, without having to prove anything?
What Are We Missing While We're Trying to Be Perfect?
One of the most liberating realisations I've had in my own life is that I can choose how much importance I give to things. Some things deserve our time, attention, and care. Others really don't.
Does every email need to be perfectly worded? Does every dinner need to be a culinary masterpiece? Does every photograph need to capture our best angle? Does every decision need to be the best possible one?
And an even more interesting question is: What are we missing while we're so busy trying to get everything right?
The spontaneous conversations. The unexpected adventures. The laughter when things go wrong. The simple pleasure of being present without worrying about how we appear to others.
Life is happening while we're busy editing it. And I think that's a rather high price to pay for perfection.
I often talk about creating a life you don't need a vacation from. For me, an important part of that is learning to enjoy life as it unfolds, rather than constantly measuring it against an ideal version of how it should be.
We can have dreams, goals, and aspirations while still appreciating what we already have. We can continue growing while recognising that we are already enough. And we can make mistakes, change our minds, disappoint people occasionally, and still be worthy of love.
A Few Things to Consider the Next Time Perfectionism Shows Up
Rather than adding another set of things to your to-do list, I'd like to offer a few simple ideas to reflect on.
1. Notice what you're trying to prove.
The next time you feel an overwhelming need to get something exactly right, ask yourself: "What am I afraid will happen if I don't?" Sometimes the answer has very little to do with the task itself. Maybe you're afraid of criticism, rejection, or appearing incompetent. Simply recognising that fear can help you see the situation differently.
2. Question your definition of good enough.
Who decided what perfect looks like? Is that standard realistic? And more importantly, is it actually what you truly believe or want? We often spend years trying to meet expectations we've never consciously chosen.
3. Notice when you're trying to control the outcome.
Ask yourself: "What can I actually influence here, and what am I trying to control that's beyond my control?" You might discover that much of your stress comes from trying to guarantee something that can never be guaranteed. What would happen if you allowed a little more uncertainty into your life?
4. Give yourself permission to be human.
You can forget things. Change your mind. Have a bad day. Say something awkward. Make a decision that turns out differently from what you expected. Everyone else is allowed to be human. So are you.
5. Pay attention to the way you speak to yourself.
When something goes wrong, notice the words you use. Would you say the same thing to someone you care about? This time, try to offer yourself the same understanding you so readily offer others.
6. Let confidence grow through experience.
Sometimes the best way to become more comfortable with something is simply to do it, even when we feel uncertain. We can start small, allow ourselves to make mistakes, and discover that we don't need to get everything right to enjoy the experience. And if we stop for a while, we can always begin again.
7. Ask yourself what really matters.
Will this matter tomorrow? Next month? Next year? Sometimes we invest enormous amounts of energy in things that have very little impact on our happiness or well-being. And sometimes choosing to let something be imperfect creates space for something much more meaningful.
The Love Language We May Have Forgotten
Maybe perfectionism is, in its own complicated way, an attempt to make ourselves lovable. We try to become the person we believe others will admire, appreciate, approve of, and choose.
But love becomes much more meaningful when we allow ourselves to be seen as we really are. With our contradictions, imperfections, vulnerabilities, and wonderfully human quirks. And maybe that's the real love language we need to learn.
To stop treating ourselves as projects that need constant improvement. To appreciate who we are while remaining open to who we might become. To accept the present moment, ourselves, and the people around us with a little more understanding and a little less judgment.
We could all benefit from taking ourselves a little less seriously. From laughing at our mistakes, embracing our awkward moments, and recognising that sometimes our imperfections are what make us interesting, relatable, and wonderfully human.
Because you don't have to become perfect to deserve love.
You are enough. Just as you are.
And you always have been.
A Little More About Acceptance
If this article resonates with you, you might enjoy exploring these ideas further in As I Am, the book, where I share my own journey and reflections on acceptance, self-worth, presence, and creating a life with more peace, joy, and freedom.
And I'd love to leave you with one question:
What would you do differently today if you truly believed you were already enough?