Being authentic has always been very hard for me. I have lived my life for almost fifty years, hiding behind a mask. I have been comparing myself to other people, feeling I wasn’t enough. I hadn’t done enough. I hadn’t achieved enough. I was nobody. So, why would they like me? But what if I knew what they liked? I could be that, and then maybe people would like me. That was the story of my life.

 

My biggest fear was being judged for making a mistake. I could never handle criticism, probably because the hardest critic of myself was me. I usually preferred to remain in the shadows, except when I was completely sure that what I was going to say would be well received by others. It would be likeable. The norm. The popular opinion. Many times, I knew I had something different to say, but I wouldn’t dare to say it out loud. I just sat there in silence. 

 

Other times, I felt I was treated unfairly. But again, I wouldn’t speak out because I hated confrontations. I considered them a fight that would make me look bad in the eyes of the other person. Less likeable. I would disappoint them. Which is crazy because it was I who should be disappointed in them, as I felt they did something wrong! The second thought was that I didn’t want to lose in a fight. What if I tried and failed? It would prove once more that I wasn’t good enough or worthy of what I wanted. 

 

Deep down, I was craving to come out of my sheltered cocoon and shout: “This is me. This is what I want! This is what I believe in! I am worthy. I want you to listen to me. And I don’t give a damn about what you think because this is who I am, whether you like it or not.”

As I began awakening, I knew it was time to face my fears and show my true self to the world. Be me no matter what. Always choose me. The spark was ignited, and I was ready. Authenticity became my Word Of The Year!

 

At first, it was hard. I had conditioned myself to be a good girl for a very long time. 

 

Little by little, I started choosing to be authentic, expressing my wants and needs. Making some progress here and there. But still, there were times I held back. Self-doubt crept up, and it was stronger than my will to be authentic. I still felt small and inadequate. Not good enough. Comparing myself to other people around me. 

 

The end of the year came and I had changed. But if I wanted to be honest with myself I was not there yet. I still cared about what other people thought of me. How they saw me. I still needed the approval. Less… but the good girl, the people pleaser, with the low self-esteem was still hanging around. 

 

So, I set the same word for a second year! I was determined to conquer this! After all, I am a Taurus! I am stubborn and resilient. I’m gonna beat this fear, this inferiority syndrome, no matter what.

 

And I did! It took two whole years to change something I carried with me for fifty. A lifetime! Today, as I am writing this, I don’t do anything if it doesn’t feel authentic to me. I stand by my truth. I don’t care what other people will say about me. I know I am not here to please everyone or be liked by everyone. And, I am ok with that. I feel liberated and at peace with who I am. 

 

Do I make mistakes? Of course I do! But I know that everyone does. I forgive myself and move on. I learn, and even if I don’t, I understand that I will probably have to go through it again, until I do. And, that’s ok too!