You Don’t Want Them. You Just Want to Win!
Why chasing people who ignore you feels addictive...
Today, I woke up with a song playing in my head… again.
Listen to your heart... before you tell him goodbye...
And I thought:
“How many times have I not listened?”
“How many times have I convinced myself that I wanted someone, when deep down I knew it wasn’t right?”
Not because I truly loved them, but because they didn’t choose me. And that... triggered something deeper. The ache wasn’t about connection. It was about rejection and my inability to let go of wanting to feel worthy in the eyes of someone who wouldn’t give me what I needed.
I remembered a recent conversation I had with a friend.
He and one of my best friends had asked ChatGPT:
“How do you flirt to conquer a woman?”
ChatGPT, playing the old-school romantic, answered:
“Be nice. Buy her flowers. Serenade her under her window.”
They both laughed at how outdated it was. When he told me the story, I said, “I disagree. I think you’re both wrong.” Because while I understood what he meant, and yes, I’m also guilty of responding that way in the past, it’s not the right way in. It’s not real. It’s ego.
The Pattern: Win, Get Bored, Leave
This is how it usually goes.
You chase.
You win.
And then... you’re done.
Suddenly, the excitement disappears.
What felt urgent and magnetic now feels boring... flat... suffocating.
And the relationship ends. Not because the person changed, but because you were never really in it.
You were chasing a confirmation. Not a connection.
What really happened is that they were never a true match. They were just a mirror for something you needed to prove to yourself. You were hooked by the emotional distance, pulled in by the rejection, fixated on the idea of being chosen. Once that’s over... the spark fades.
I told him, “That’s exactly why the relationship doesn’t last. It wasn’t with the right person to begin with. You didn’t lose interest because it stopped working. You were never truly interested in who they were... only in what it felt like to be wanted by them.”
This Isn’t Romance. It’s Ego
When someone pulls away or seems indifferent, it activates a part of us that says, “I’ll show you. You’ll see how great I am.”
And when that part takes over, it starts calling itself love.
But it’s not. You don’t want the person.
You want to feel like you matter.
You want to win.
That feeling of "if I can just get them to want me, then I’ll know I’m good enough" is incredibly strong.
It feels like passion.
It feels intense. Charged. Addictive.
But it’s not romance. It’s an act.
And, it’s your ego... in survival mode.
You Don’t Want Them As They Are. You Want Who They Could Become!
Sometimes it’s not even the real person we’re chasing.
It’s the version of them we believe they could be... if only they healed, committed, opened up, changed.
We convince ourselves:
“If I love them enough, they’ll transform.”
“If I prove my worth, they’ll finally choose me.”
“They just need the right person, me, to awaken.”
But love doesn’t work that way.
People change when they choose to.
Not because you showed them how lovable you are.
Not because you sacrificed or stayed.
And definitely not because you moulded yourself into their perfect partner.
Believing you can turn someone into who you want them to be is a beautiful fantasy. But it’s still a fantasy. And the longer you stay in it, the longer you’re disconnected from the real relationship… the one where two whole people meet as they are, not as projects.
Love Isn’t a Game. It’s a Fit
If it’s love... it’s going to feel clear.
You won’t be confused. You won’t be overthinking every text.
You won’t be adjusting yourself to become more appealing.
You’ll just be you. And it will feel... right.
Struggle usually means misalignment. If you have to work this hard to be seen, it’s probably not a space where your real self belongs.
This is when you ask yourself:
“Do I actually like this person... or do I just want them to like me?
Do I enjoy who they are... or am I addicted to the chase?
What part of me is trying to prove something here?”
You might realise you don’t even want them.
You just want to feel enough in their eyes.
You’ll Know It’s Right When You Stop Acting
You’ll speak without editing yourself.
You won’t worry about being too much or too little.
You won’t be trying to be cool, or casual, or mysterious.
You won’t need to calculate how to make them stay.
There won’t be games.
There will be ease... and resonance.
And That ChatGPT Answer? Maybe It Wasn’t So Wrong
Years ago, someone did sing under my hotel window. Not because they were trying to manipulate me, but because they felt something, and they wanted to share it.
I still remember it.
We don’t remember the games.
We remember the sincerity.
Closing Thought
When you enter a relationship trying to prove something, trying to be chosen, trying to feel worthy, you are already disconnected from the real connection you long for.
Relationships that start with a strategy almost always end in collapse. Real love starts with authenticity. On both ends. And it is built on trust, not shape-shifting to please.
Before you ask why they lost interest, ask why you were chasing in the first place.
Before you say someone became boring, ask if you ever saw them clearly.
And before you go after the next emotionally unavailable person, ask yourself:
“Do I want real love... or do I just want to win?”
Because that answer will guide your next move.
Be here. Be wild. Be you. 🦋
Myrto
