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7 steps to stop doing what you clearly know is the wrong thing

 

Do you ever feel you know what you need to do but you still go and do the exact opposite? 

 

There are times in life when we experience the same situation over and over again, whether it involves ourselves, a spouse, a relative, a friend, or a business associate. We feel frustrated, disappointed, angry, or sad, ultimately leaving us feeling empty and unsatisfied. Our Egos are hurt. We declare, “never again," only to fall into the same trap - or crap - once more! 

 

Deep down, we always know what is right for us and everyone involved, but our Ego interferes. Our logic or intuition clearly says one thing, but something else—a feeling, a want, a need, a desire to be right and accepted—pushes us to gravitate towards the familiar or what we think will satisfy this emotion. We want others to see our point of view. To get us. To make us happy.

 

For me, my main pattern has been romantic relationships. Most of the time, I have known almost immediately where they were heading and whether they would work out. I knew they wouldn’t. The reason I am attracted to these types of relationships is another story, but now I want to focus on what happens after I enter them. I engage in an internal battle where I logically and intuitively know what’s right, but my Ego has a mind of its own and unfortunately rules my decisions. I hate to admit it, but what I want - my Ego wants - is to conquer the other person; entirely! My Ego craves to transform them into what It wants in order to feel loved, cared for, and desired. 

 

On the other hand, as I have begun to awaken and be more present in the moment, being able to observe my Ego in action, I can see the absurdity of these wants and needs. I feel disappointed in myself; for thinking and behaving in ways I know are completely wrong and futile. I am well aware that we cannot change anyone. All we can do is accept them for who they are. Whether we like it or not. Plus, I cannot possess anyone, as they are not mine to own. So, at first, I used to attempt to change myself, deny the feelings, suppress my Ego, and prevent it from acting like crazy. Did that work? 

 

Of course not! Because it falls into the same category. You cannot create change by forcing change. Even if it is for yourself. You need to let it happen naturally… with some help. 

 

I have been using these steps for quite some time now to help me resolve different issues in my life, and of course, they are about working on yourself and your Ego and not on any other person:

 

1. The first step is to observe. Become aware. Notice your Ego at work.

 

2. Accept that this is happening. Your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, your unrealistic demands or behaviour. Because you cannot deny the present moment. It is what it is.

 

3. All the while, if you can, try to stay conscious as an observer without judging. Focus on your breath to bring some serenity and spaciousness to the moment. Treat it like a passing storm. If you can’t, and get lost in the situation, that’s ok too. You‘re doing the best you can.

 

4. Instead of being hard on yourself, the other person or the situation, try to approach it in a playful way. Laugh - that is what I sometimes manage to do and I am telling you, if you can do it, it really works. Nothing is that serious (well, most things anyway). You can always find a funny side to every story… lighten up and even make fun of yourself. It releases good hormones, gives you another perspective and can help you see things from your heart, intuitively, creatively and in a new scope.

 

5. When the “episode” has passed: Try to figure out where your behaviour is coming from. The patterns. Sit quietly, and ask yourself - without judgement, but with an inquisitive mind, like talking to a friend: 

• Is it something stemming from your past, or your childhood? 

• Is it fear of rejection, being alone, or not being good enough? 

• Wanting external validation and acknowledgement?

• Not feeling secure or loved? 

• How often does it happen? How are you triggered?

• Why do you need this? Is it true? Does it serve you in any way?

• What would it feel like if you let go?

 

6. If you still don't feel complete and at peace: Close your eyes, invite the feeling or thought back, allow it to be as you breathe in and out. Focus on your breath and keep noticing it. Watch it as it diminishes and bring in the new feeling you would like to experience instead. Do not force it. Let things flow. You may not manage to do it perfectly, but it is a start. You’re doing your best… always.

 

7. You may need to do the steps again and again, until that part of your Ego dissolves completely and no more episodes occur. Know that you’re on your way!

 

💡TIP: I find that journaling helps me a lot to figure out stuff. 

 

One more thing to remember: the Ego has a conniving way of making you stay in familiar patterns. It loves the suffering and the drama. You might think you don’t want it, but your Ego thrives on negative emotions. Even though we don’t want to admit it, being the victim in any situation places us at the centre of attention, casts us as the good guy—and the other as the bad—and provides us with some form of validation. But what a waste of energy this is. Right? 

 

Pay attention to your intuition and begin to recognise the dissonance between your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Break free from the habitual patterns that contribute to your unhappiness in any respect. You don’t have to create suffering for yourself or anybody else you come into contact with.

 

When you follow these steps, eventually you will experience a shift in you as your Ego, regarding the matter you’re working on, will dissolve. You will change. Your energy will change and that “thing” will be a non-issue! Sometimes it happens fast and you may experience the Ego subsiding while you’re observing the troubling situation or your recurring negative thoughts. You will know because you will suddenly be at peace, wondering what the problem was all about. People around you will feel your energy changing too. 

 

Other more deep-rooted Ego patterns may need more time to vanish. But it will happen. It all comes back to being aware, observing, acknowledging, accepting, inquiring, laughing, being open, listening to your intuition, and going with the flow by allowing what needs to be expressed to just be. That’s when you find more peace and joy in your everyday life. 

 

Do you need some help with this? I am here for you. Let’s connect.

 

P.S. Just for your information. Regarding my pattern: I am still a work in progress, but improving quickly and steadily. I cherish the lessons learned from each experience, which help me confront my Ego and bid farewell to Its every obnoxious behaviour.😁